Ah. Spring in Houston. The days are getting longer, the weather is warmer, the sun is shining and the birds are….DRIVING ME CRAZY!

Doves to be exact. I don’t know where they come from and I don’t really care. I just want them to shut up and stop pooping on my car.

And my driveway.
And my walkway.
And my shoulder.

That’s right. My shoulder. While hunting for Easter Eggs with my precious babies a couple years ago I made the mistake of pausing for a moment under a tree. Presumably to take in the wonderful memory of my kids excitedly searching for eggs. When I felt a warm, gooey sensation on my neck – running down my shoulder. Delightful.

Last year they pooped all over my minivan all season. Every morning I’d wake up to see whatever they had eaten the day before running down my window and door. “Yum, wild berries,” I’d sarcastically cheer as I’d use the underside of my t-shirt to wipe off the door handle so I could take my little ones to school.

We thought we cleverly put a stop to that problem and cut down the damn tree by the driveway last fall. “Take that rats with wings!” I yelled into the sky – shaking a victorious fist madly in the air as the last of our pine tree went through the wood chipper. (Oh – I know what you’re thinking….”How could you KILL a TREE just to avoid bird poop?!!” You’ll be happy to know that the tree was dying anyway and cutting it down was inevitable. Taking away the birds’ hourly-rate hotel of a home was just icing on the cake.)

“No matter,” the birds must have thought last month. “We’ll just hover over the spot where the tree USED to be and poop mid-air.”

And they are LOUD. At any time during the day, anywhere you go – the air is filled with the unpleasant cooing of doves. I sit down at my computer to write and it’s all I hear. So I’ve gotten into this weird habit of turning the Disney Channel up to the loudest setting to try to drown out the noise. Which doesn’t help much, really. But I’m fully caught up on my Handy Mandy re-runs. I’m missing deadlines – but take comfort in the fact that I’ll never be as messed up as Mr. Lopart.

And they are mating. On tree branches low enough for the kids to ask questions.

“What are those 2 birds doing, flapping their wings all crazy and hitting each other?” asked one of my kids.

“Fighting. They must be siblings,” I said. (HA! Dodged that “Where do babies come from question!”)

But really – it’s disturbing. Get a room. Nobody wants to look at that.

You should know that I’m against guns. And for this reason precisely….If I had one, I would get all “Steel Magnolias” on these birds and start wildly shooting into the air. I’m very close to digging out my son’s air soft bb gun . The bb’s might not be hard enough to pierce their skin or do any damage….but it might ruin the mood….if you know what I mean.

I will say that it’s been my experience – after more than 2o years in this fine city, that in a couple of weeks… for whatever reason (my guess – all the crazy, wild bird sex) the doves get slow and sluggish and start flying low to the ground. This makes it very easy for me to “accidentally” hit them with my car – you know…while on my way to the grocery store or the post office.

I feel a little guilty – but it’s just that whole, crazy circle of life thing.
What can you do – right?



  1. 1
    beke rios says:

    One word- CAT……………

  2. 2
    kris gurl says:

    Really? Jenn…they are beautiful gifts from the Universe to bring a melody to your ear and a song in your step. Maybe you should get some birds for the kids instead of that Devil Disney channel. Then you could learn the language of peace and love from the birds, heck… It may even spruce up your own sex life.
    HaHA love you Jenn
    Kris Cloud

  3. 3
    Pamela says:

    Squirrels or dogs, too. Kelley caught one at the old house and didn't know what to do about it so she spit it out. Silly thing then flew right at her again. She's now scared to death of them, but she'll still go after cats and squirrels. Don't miss that about Copperfield. More variety of wildlife in these parts. Matt and I have a list of different animals we have seen. The alligators & turtles are tied for the most interesting. You can start your own list!

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